boy meets girl and they wed with roses
but that’s not the way it seems to be
and i’m pissed that they lied to me
cuz boy meets boy and boy runs away
or girl meets girl and she’s afraid to stay
we end up home alone watching court tv
not living ever after happily
-- Ever After Happily, Jay Brannan
Yesterday was supposed to be the day, like several others before it. A rite of passage in the life of every homosexual. The big reveal. Coming out.
My own personal journey of self-discovery has been filled with a smattering of roadblocks. Accepting my sexuality, in itself, was difficult enough. I've had to overcome a Catholic upbringing that so effectively instilled a sense of guilt and shame, coupled with the bigotry of my old-school Italian family. I spent my adolescence working to escape the oppressive environment I found myself in. Yet, when I accomplished that, I spent more years than I care to admit trying to be "normal." As much as I said that I didn't care what my family thought, I lived in fear that they would find out that I'm gay.
It's taken a long time for me to get to this place in my life. Several times, I've tried to work up the courage to come out to my family, only to have fear pull me back in off the ledge. During the past few months, I've focused on the love that we share as a family. Trusting in that has helped me step up to the edge again, ready to jump off. I keep telling myself that I'll be able to handle the disappointment, sorrow, and even anger, should that be their reaction, because love is beneath it all. It may take some time, but everything will be okay. Better, even.
So I spend the day with my brother yesterday, with every intention of telling him and his wife that I'm gay. The entire time, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to start the conversation. My imagination takes over, and the old fears resurface. Scenarios play out in my head, and I see everything I stand to lose as a result of the conversation I'm trying to breach. I let opportunity after opportunity pass, and I leave without telling them anything.
So, I find myself home, alone, pissed at myself, and letting Jay's music be the soundtrack to my mood. This lyric speaks for itself.
No comments:
Post a Comment