-- Oscar Martinez, The Office
“Gay Witch Hunt” – Season 3, Episode 1
Let me apologize in advance for my recent focus on the topic of coming out. It’s a big part of my life right now, so I’ll be obsessing for a while. I’ll try to mix things up tomorrow. Until then….
It’s ironic that this was the first episode of The Office that I ever watched. A coworker had been badgering me to watch this show for months. I had resisted because of my general dislike of the television sitcom. I promised to give it a go at the beginning of the 3rd season, and I haven’t looked back! BRILLIANT! Nothing more needs to be said.
Oscar’s character speaks to me on so many levels, but nothing resonates with me more than the line of dialogue above. Those 20 words encapsulate the last 10 years of my life, not including the years it took for me just to accept my sexuality. From an early age, I got the impression that being gay was not a desirable character trait. Despite my early suspicions, I desperately wanted to be normal, to be accepted. Once I began denying it, it became instinct. And the fear of having my family find out ruled my life for so long.
Then, like Oscar, I just gave the farce up. One day, I was asked if I had a boyfriend by an acquaintance who just assumed that I was gay. Innocent enough, and nothing that hadn’t happened before. Caught off-guard, I had to make an instant decision. Recite the well-worn denial, making them feel foolish for making said assumption, or just answer “No,” and simply move on with the conversation. In that instant, I was tired of the charade, and saw no need to perpetuate it in a situation that had little bearing on the rest of my life. I chose the latter.
And you know what? I wasn’t struck by lightening! A lynch mob didn’t storm in and rip me to pieces! The people I was talking with didn’t gasp in shock and disgust and turn their backs on me! In that instant, I finally realized that I would be okay. It still took me a while to overcome my fears, but the experience gave me a push in the right direction. Telling my friends was easy. My family, as you’ve seen, not so much.
But I’m still here, and I’m okay. That’s got to count for something.
2 comments:
"the truth just sounds better"
Maybe this entire process wasn't just about coming out to people, but accepting and becoming more of who you are. I think when we speak the truth of who we are, we don't do it to the benefit of others, we do it because we need to hear it from our lips, to make it true for ourselves.
Natala is so poignant! I just love my new friends! Marc, I told you that your brother would know. He is connected to you on a level that you probably don't even realize. I am happy that it was such a "little deal" after all. I only hope that he knows that the trust issue was only a very small part of the equation. I know a weight has been lifted from your shoulders--now the "real" work begins! :-)
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