There’s only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today
-- Mimi, “Another Day” from Rent
There’s no turning back now. Years of hiding my sexuality, followed by months of struggling with the decision to finally come out, and weeks of planning how and when I would do it came to fruition last night. I’m dealing with a completely different set of emotions this morning than I was just 24 hours ago.
My worst fears were proven baseless. At least with my brother and sister-in-law, acceptance was quick. It helped that they harbored strong suspicions for a very long time and had discussed it on several occasions. Our conversation was calm and rational. My sister-in-law was immediately supportive, which means more to me than I can possibly express. For Michael, it took some explaining.
Michael’s only desire was that I be the one to tell him. Having done so, he openly wondered what took me so long. Why did I feel that I couldn’t tell him? Why did I think he would be angry or upset? He felt that I couldn’t trust him enough to tell him sooner. To a certain degree, he was right. Even yesterday, I was prepared to walk out the door and leave our relationship behind. That fact alone betrays my lack of trust in him and how he would react. But with Michael, the “gray areas” are so small. As much as he was right, the reality of the situation is that I trusted him most, enough to tell him first. I hope I was able to adequately express that last night.
It’s funny. I grew up not caring about him one way or the other. We butted heads so often and so vehemently. There was a time when I might have used my sexuality as a way to expose his prejudices and cut him down. But as we grew up, we left all that behind. We found some common ground, built on a mutual foundation of respect, and became close as a result. To me, our friendship was a revelation, completely unexpected and wholly welcomed. Knowing that the knowledge of my true sexuality might put all of that into jeopardy was frightening.
I hope that he knows how much I love and respect him. I hope he knows how much I look up to him and value his opinion. I hope he knows how much I appreciate his support. The journey has only just begun, and having him by my side gives me the strength to push forward.
1 comment:
I am so proud of you! I can't immagine the amount of courage it took for you to share that aspect of your entire being with him! I know he loves you and will support you going forward in your life! Even though we've only known each other a short amount of time, it seriously feels like we've known each other forever! You have quickly become one of my best friends (I'd like to think you are one of my roots, and I hope you think of me as one as well!)! :) I love you with my whole heart!! :)
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